PRIEST:
I can't help it
I just wanna talk to women about videogames
(Cough) We're gathered here today...

OVER/UNDERLORD:
THIS IS NOT YOUR FATHER'S REMIX

KARAOKE MAN:
Jonny can't stop thinkin' 'bout videogames
Jonny can't stop thinkin' 'bout muscles of Ving Rhames
No! He can't stop thinkin about them muscles of Ving Rhames
Pow!

JESSE:
Break it down

OVER/UNDERLORD:
27 Points

JESSE:
Jon, do you think the girls are impressed by that?

OVER/UNDERLORD:
37 Points

RYAN:
That's how ya get the girls

OVER/UNDERLORD:
57 Points

ROBOTO:
High score

KARAOKE MAN:
He's fuckin all the girls in the land

MALE CHORUS:
FUCK!

KARAOKE MAN:
He's porkin all the girls in the land

MALE CHORUS:
PORK!

KARAOKE MAN:
He's fuckin all the girls in the land, 'cause he got the high score
He's porkin all the girls in the land

MALE CHORUS:
PORK!

KARAOKE MAN:
He's milkin all the girls in the land, 'cause he got the high score

MALE CHORUS:
PORK! (echo)

ASSHEAD:
Jon Holmes, holder of the second highest score in Super Punchout

MALE CHORUS:
PORK! (echo)

ASSHEAD:
Number one? Asshead

GENTLEMAN:
I try to remain faithful to my wif' wif' to my wife
But I can't, Oh no I can't, because I regret my vows
I go and make these videos and I pretend it's alright
But then I fuck, and then I fuck, and I keep it to myself

GENTLEMAN:
My momma's wet

MALE CHORUS:
WET!

MYSTERY MAN:
Videogames
Retro
Cool
Platformer
NES
SNES
MOD IT! (refrain)

MYSTERY ROBOTO:
Polygon
Eighties
Mode 7
Talking Dog
Crazy Graphics

JESSE:
Videogaaames (refrain)

CEO (VOICEOVER):
Where's the BEAT?

COMPOSER (VOICE OVER):
Actually I wanted to have this without a beat
You know, like the older videogames
Most of them didn't have a beat
You know, Rockman [and others] being excluded
But a beat wasn't "necessary"

CEO:
Well a beat's necessary NOW if you're making a RETRO game!
Ya gotta have a.. BEEAT!

JESSE:
That's a common fallacy when people are trying to emulate the older...
(Segue)

RAPPER:
THIS AIN'T YO' GRAMPA'S VIDEOGAME!
THIS AIN'T YO' GRAMPA'S VIDEOGAME!

JESSE:
Videogaaames (refrain)

CEO:
That's what the kids are listenin' to:
Mario music!

BEER COMMERCIAL SINGER:
Ya gotta ROCK the beat (refrain)

CEO:
Ya can't just dust somethin' off the shelves without sprucin' it up a little bit
Come on, spruce it up a little bit
Ya don't just want some old ragtimey thing, unt-uh
Ya gotta make it cool
Here we go
Oh, here's a remake... here's a remake/remix comin' on


RAPPER:
I gotta go get my videogame news
It's like booze
If I don't get my videogame news I'm like nothin'
I gotta know everything

Go down to the local Gamestop and get yourself your fix
Go down to the local Gamespot and get yourself some tick'[et]s to the movies
I mean, not the movies
Movies are overrated my friend
Old videogames are where it's NOT at any more
New videogames are where we're all at, together, as one
Ooh, it's a social experiment
I'm feelin' a little bit of an irritant
I want out with the old
Out with the old (7 times)

ROCKER:
Jonny Holmes is back in the states
Carnal rectums oozing delights

MALE CHORUS:
Never gonna get it 'til ya get his point of view

ROCKER:
My momma said I should never go out with Jonathan because he's a bad boy
Yes, he is, alright [or siree]

MALE CHORUS:
Aaaaaaahh
Tro-lo-lolo-lo-lo
Lolololololololo-lo-lo-lo! (refrain)

CROONER:
He fucked the girls
He fucked every one
He porked the girls
He had so much fun
He fucked the girls
He milked the girls
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze
He filled up the buckets

MALE CHORUS:
Gonna stay up late, we're gonna have a good day (refrain)

CROONER:
He's got so much milk
He doesn't know what to do
Hehe, do ya wan't some?
He fucked the girls

MALE CHORUS:
Hefty hefty!
Feelin' the music!

CROONER:
He PORKED 'em all
Everyone on his show
I'm tellin' ya the... not truth
He's like James [John] Wilkes Booth.. of PORKIN!

MALE CHORUS:
Gonna stay up late, we're gonna have a good day
Tro-lo-lolo-lo-lo
Lolololololololo-lo-lo-lo! (refrain)

[repeat and fade]