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Talking to Women about Videogames: The Album

by Jonathan Holmes, Various Artists

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I know who you want to I know who you want me to be but I can't even say I know it's fading fast, whatever you saw in me But I'm still going to try to be the one who makes it happen I can't help it I just can't help it I just want to talk to women about videogames I Know It's Probably a bad idea I've been doing it this way for years Got nothing to show for my persistence but reject and deject Shun My friends say that I do it wrong That I should know my role and play along Just throw around the football and talk about sports And Stuff DON'T TALK ABOUT SPORTS AND STUFF (neverending story) I can't help it I just can't help it No matter how hard I try it always turns out the same I can't help it I just can't help it I just want to talk to women about videogames It's a bad idea I can't help it (Refrain) I can't help it I just can't help it I just want to talk to women about videogames
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PRIEST: I can't help it I just wanna talk to women about videogames (Cough) We're gathered here today... OVER/UNDERLORD: THIS IS NOT YOUR FATHER'S REMIX KARAOKE MAN: Jonny can't stop thinkin' 'bout videogames Jonny can't stop thinkin' 'bout muscles of Ving Rhames No! He can't stop thinkin about them muscles of Ving Rhames Pow! JESSE: Break it down OVER/UNDERLORD: 27 Points JESSE: Jon, do you think the girls are impressed by that? OVER/UNDERLORD: 37 Points RYAN: That's how ya get the girls OVER/UNDERLORD: 57 Points ROBOTO: High score KARAOKE MAN: He's fuckin all the girls in the land MALE CHORUS: FUCK! KARAOKE MAN: He's porkin all the girls in the land MALE CHORUS: PORK! KARAOKE MAN: He's fuckin all the girls in the land, 'cause he got the high score He's porkin all the girls in the land MALE CHORUS: PORK! KARAOKE MAN: He's milkin all the girls in the land, 'cause he got the high score MALE CHORUS: PORK! (echo) ASSHEAD: Jon Holmes, holder of the second highest score in Super Punchout MALE CHORUS: PORK! (echo) ASSHEAD: Number one? Asshead GENTLEMAN: I try to remain faithful to my wif' wif' to my wife But I can't, Oh no I can't, because I regret my vows I go and make these videos and I pretend it's alright But then I fuck, and then I fuck, and I keep it to myself GENTLEMAN: My momma's wet MALE CHORUS: WET! MYSTERY MAN: Videogames Retro Cool Platformer NES SNES MOD IT! (refrain) MYSTERY ROBOTO: Polygon Eighties Mode 7 Talking Dog Crazy Graphics JESSE: Videogaaames (refrain) CEO (VOICEOVER): Where's the BEAT? COMPOSER (VOICE OVER): Actually I wanted to have this without a beat You know, like the older videogames Most of them didn't have a beat You know, Rockman [and others] being excluded But a beat wasn't "necessary" CEO: Well a beat's necessary NOW if you're making a RETRO game! Ya gotta have a.. BEEAT! JESSE: That's a common fallacy when people are trying to emulate the older... (Segue) RAPPER: THIS AIN'T YO' GRAMPA'S VIDEOGAME! THIS AIN'T YO' GRAMPA'S VIDEOGAME! JESSE: Videogaaames (refrain) CEO: That's what the kids are listenin' to: Mario music! BEER COMMERCIAL SINGER: Ya gotta ROCK the beat (refrain) CEO: Ya can't just dust somethin' off the shelves without sprucin' it up a little bit Come on, spruce it up a little bit Ya don't just want some old ragtimey thing, unt-uh Ya gotta make it cool Here we go Oh, here's a remake... here's a remake/remix comin' on RAPPER: I gotta go get my videogame news It's like booze If I don't get my videogame news I'm like nothin' I gotta know everything Go down to the local Gamestop and get yourself your fix Go down to the local Gamespot and get yourself some tick'[et]s to the movies I mean, not the movies Movies are overrated my friend Old videogames are where it's NOT at any more New videogames are where we're all at, together, as one Ooh, it's a social experiment I'm feelin' a little bit of an irritant I want out with the old Out with the old (7 times) ROCKER: Jonny Holmes is back in the states Carnal rectums oozing delights MALE CHORUS: Never gonna get it 'til ya get his point of view ROCKER: My momma said I should never go out with Jonathan because he's a bad boy Yes, he is, alright [or siree] MALE CHORUS: Aaaaaaahh Tro-lo-lolo-lo-lo Lolololololololo-lo-lo-lo! (refrain) CROONER: He fucked the girls He fucked every one He porked the girls He had so much fun He fucked the girls He milked the girls Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze He filled up the buckets MALE CHORUS: Gonna stay up late, we're gonna have a good day (refrain) CROONER: He's got so much milk He doesn't know what to do Hehe, do ya wan't some? He fucked the girls MALE CHORUS: Hefty hefty! Feelin' the music! CROONER: He PORKED 'em all Everyone on his show I'm tellin' ya the... not truth He's like James [John] Wilkes Booth.. of PORKIN! MALE CHORUS: Gonna stay up late, we're gonna have a good day Tro-lo-lolo-lo-lo Lolololololololo-lo-lo-lo! (refrain) [repeat and fade]
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Meow 01:09
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Haters Gonna Hate Everybody lookin' at me, staring Feeling all this hate inside I don't even care about it, I just keep-ah Walkin' with my feminine stride Haters Gonna Hate
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I can't help it I just can't help it I just want a videogame about talking to women First thing you do, is press start Then your presented with a series of Conversational charts Of different things, that you can say To ask beautiful women all about their day And I know that you probably think it sounds dumb But I promise it's really, really NOT... DUMB And I know that you think you should go out and have fun Dance around with a girl (Jesus Christ) That would be NOT... FUN I can't help it I just can't help it There is nothing wrong with mixing love with pretend I can't help it I just can't help it I just want a videogame about talking to women The thing you don't get is, no relationship is real There is no way to every really know how someone else feels And they don't know you either, it's just a big sham To trick you into believing in love and then BAM You've put your thing in her thing, and a baby comes out Just more people in your life to fill you with doubt, A family of fakers, pretending to know love Trapped in their skulls, while they push and they shove Trying to get out, trying to connect But it'll never happen, they should just forget it And submit to the wonder of a virtual relationship One unencumbered by the failings of the five sense and the human's inability to communicate it's true selves through psychic or other supernatural means A conversation with a virtual person has no potential for misunderstanding because the input if digital and it therefore 100% direct with no potential for miscommunication My love for my videogame girlfriend is more real than anything because it's simple and honest and clear I can't help it
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Super Marios 02:11
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In Heaven 01:01
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I know who I want you to be Jonathan Holmes, please talk to me I'm not a woman, but we are the same Talking to Jonathan Holmes about videogames The Legend of Zelda Super Mario World Weaponlord Skull Girls Katamari Damacy Baldur's Gate Landstalker Resonance of Fate Phantasy Star IV Diablo III Shining Force II VVVVVVV Super Meat Boy Cave Story D&D: Tower of Doom Bubsy I can't help it, Jonathan Holmes Let's talk about games on the phone Just can't help it, Jonathan Holmes Can't we have just a few minutes alone? Quackshot Doom Wonderboy in Monster World Loom Mega Man X Lunar: Eternal Blue Final Fantasy VI Bad Dudes Etrian Odyssey Ys Sonic R Corpse Party Super Metroid Mickey Mania Zillion Castlevania I can't help it, Jonathan Holmes Let's sit down and talk about all these games Just can't help it, Jonathan Holmes Talking to Jonathan Holmes about videogames Games Games Games Games Games Games Videogames Holmes Holmes Holmes Holmes Holmes Holmes Jonathan Holmes It's a good idea It's a great idea It's a good idea It's a great idea Talking to Jonathan Holmes about videogames ...Videogames
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I know who you want to I know who you want me to be but I can't even say I know it's fading fast, whatever you saw in me But I'm still going to try to be the one who makes it happen I can't help it I just can't help it I just want to talk to women about videogames I Know It's Probably a bad idea I've been doing it this way for years Got nothing to show for my persistence but reject and deject Shun My friends say that I do it wrong That I should know my role and play along Just throw around the football and talk about sports And Stuff DON'T TALK ABOUT SPORTS AND STUFF (neverending story) I can't help it I just can't help it No matter how hard I try it always turns out the same I can't help it I just can't help it I just want to talk to women about videogames It's a bad idea I can't help it (Refrain) I can't help it I just can't help it I just want to talk to women about videogame
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Bought unsalted nuts the other day, Turns out they were salted What a salty mistake, the best kind of mistake Got a sealed bag of turkey, bit into the seal To get the turkey out, didn't want to look for scissors Took ten minutes of gnawing on the bag to get it out Could have found the scissors in two But I wanted to chew
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E Emaj7 I can think of younger days, when living for my life was F#m E everything a man could want to do. G#7 C#m F#7 I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told B7 about the sorrow. Chorus: Emaj7 F#m And, how can you mend a broken heart, how can you stop the rain from falling down. A B7 A B7 How can you stop, the sun from shining, F#m B7 E What makes the world go round. Emaj7 F#m How can you mend this broken man, How can a loser ever win. A B7 A B7 F#m B7 Please help me mend my broken , and let me live E Emaj7 E again, Verse 2: E Emaj7 I can still feel the breeze, that rustles through the trees. F#m E and misty memories of day's gone by. G#7 C#m F#7 We could never see tomorrow, no one said a word B7 about the sorrow.
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about

www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7GRabE9NNg&feature=fvsr

28 regular tracks, 6 hidden bonus tracks, an album that will "define a generation"- Peter "Spider-Man" Parker, The Daily Bugel.

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released December 26, 2011

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about

Jonathan Holmes Boxborough, Massachusetts

Jonathan Holmes is a writer, animator, and video producer for Destructoid.com and Nintendo Force magazine. He also sings and writes weird songs. Twitter- @Tronknotts. Talking to Women about Videogames playlist- www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7GRabE9NNg&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=SP75EF4B538D021386 ... more

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